Sex & the Sugas - Part 1

Sex & The Suga’s, brought to you by The Coconet, is an after-hours series written exclusively by Pasifika women, talking about all things sex and sexuality. A subject that is usually shied away from in Island culture, five women of various ages, sexual identities and island backgrounds, reveal some of their personal experiences and explore what their sexuality means to them. Stay tuned for a new story each week, after 10pm every Wednesday!

Part 1. 

Ana, 31, Samoan.

“At one point I went through an "A-Sexual Faze" because certain relationships had failed and I just reached a point of MEN ARE TRASH and I don't need one. Then I questioned if I was maybe a Lesbian because I was just so open to embracing other female’s beauty, and speaking up about it openly...gohhh whatever the faze I've probably thought that was the box I belonged in”.

My relationship to sex wasn't always actually a "relationship" so to speak, to be honest. I remember back in intermediate, the thought of sex used to literally terrify me. I kid you not. Sex Education classes, I would sit right at the back and be the student who got told off for having her headphones in her walkman, or I would say I had a sore stomach and try go to the sickbay, because the thought of even discussing anything with a sexual nature, let alone in a classroom with 20 something other girls seriously terrified me.

I related sex to falling pregnant as a teenager, because so many of my friends were pregnant teens as young as 15, which to be quite frank scared the living daylights out of me. Here I was focused on just trying to do well with School C, and counting down to the weekends to hang with my cousins and friends was the highlight of my week, but in the meantime my friends were actively having SEX. 

I am now a 31, and I think I am very in touch with my sexuality. I waited util I was 17 to engage in sexual intercourse. Definitely have learnt a lot of over the years that's for sure, what I like, what I don't like, etc etc. In light of that statement though I have been told by my friends that I haven't experienced SEX the way most people of my age have, because I haven't had many sexual partners.

I've always had long-term relationships, or happily been celibate. I used to work in bars back in my early 20s so when you're constantly surrounded by drunks, the last thing you want to do is take one of those smelly bastards home, and I’ve NEVER ever dated or hooked up with a work colleague; so one night stands wasn't really my thing either. I was, and still am very picky when selecting Sexual partners though.

At one point I went through an "A-Sexual Faze" because certain relationships had failed and I just reached a point of MEN ARE TRASH and I don't need one. Then I questioned if I was maybe a Lesbian because I was just so open to embracing other female’s beauty, and speaking up about it openly...gohhh whatever the faze I've probably thought that was the box I belonged in. When truth be told - Sex and Sexuality can be defining points in your life, but I don't think ever define who you are if that's make any sense. Am I making sense here?

In my opinion, and this is genuinely MY opinion; I think conversations about Sexuality / Sex don't go down so openly in Pasifika families because there's that stigma of anything to do with “that type of talk” is somewhat a TABOO.Especially for the ones who have quite religious strong families, or as PC as it sounds "Traditional" families. And again, this is only my opinion.

 I think also it just comes down to Communication, Connection, and I guess TRUST. I am super tight with my mum, wasn't always the case when I was a little moepi acting 16 going on 22 – acting like I paid rent ha, but in my younger years there were certain things that I would just cringe at the thought of even wanting to talk to my mum about these things, hence why I would go to my sisters; and that wasn't because my mother would reject me or anything along those lines, it just wasn't in her nature to engage in those types of conversations naturally, because it just isn't naturally the fa'a samoa way.

 

 A great example that still to this day boggles my mind is: It's like You could be with your boyfriend for a year, things start to get a little serious, and then suddenly you are pregnant, you have a baby etc; and at no point through any of this, have you had a conversation about SEX with your parents, yet a baby is born.....and nobody questions when on earth y'all started having SEX let alone that you even knew what sex was/is - I just find that IRONIC but that is I guess the NORM amongst many Pasifika families.

I truly believe it’s a taboo stigma, and lack of confidence and dear I say it a lack of SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE which isn't thoroughly educated and further embraced by our elders/parents/guardians so they are in a position where they ought to know that these conversations are actually very normal and totally acceptable, and there should be no shame in wanting to educate your children or whoever in Sex and Sexuality.

You have to draw the line, and it has to be a very fine line between Preserving Tradition and Thriving to Break the Cycle.