Sex & the Sugas - Part 2

Sex & The Suga’s, brought to you by The Coconet, is an after-hours series written exclusively by Pasifika women, talking about all things sex and sexuality. A subject that is usually shied away from in Island culture, five women of various ages, sexual identities and island backgrounds, reveal some of their personal experiences and explore what their sexuality means to them. Stay tuned for a new story each week, after 10pm every Wednesday!

Part 2.

Dione, 32, Samoan 

Mother, Daughter, Sister, Lover and Ex Apparent Paumuku

We talked about nearly all year, at lunchtimes, smoking behind the tuck shop, whispered through maths classes, walking home. When would it happen, who had it happened to, who did we know definitely did it..that most famous of whispered Samoan words..Paumuku. Translated = rubber mouth or broken skin.

Too many fumbled feel ups, sloppy pashes and dangerous situations that could have lead to much worse endings then they did. Pushed onto bathrooms floors, hundreds of party people pulsating to drum n bass on the other side of the door.

My poor Samoan parents out of their mind with worry, their ambitions for their 16 year old star child could be thrown to the wind along with her virtue.

So many nights smuggled out of the house, staying with the ‘trusted’ cousins, trying to morph myself into walls and windows to get back into the house, creeping over sleeping family and visitors. The ninja arts of stealth that Pacific Island girls all apprentice in, and become masters at.

When it did happen it was a spectacular non event - kinda like nice but no star spangled explosions like all those well read books and movies had promised. But it could’ve been worse. And the reason it could’ve been worse, is that there was no way on Gods earth I was EVA going to have spoken to my Island parents or family about sex.

Listening to the palagi girls at school, and reading and watching the forbidden things about sex made me think it was a thing that skinny white girls did – skin all milky, hair all silky. There was literally no point of reference in movies, books or online that would connect teenage Polynesian girls to themselves being that person rolling around with the hot guy.

Some people said you should have talked to an aunty or cousin or something oh HELLS NO! Coz any Islander know that it takes just one aunty to break out into frenzied faikakalas to anyone else in the family or god forbid at church, and that is fastest spreading death wish ever to happen.

I remember the 18 year old boy at church who decided to tell everyone he was gay at a testimonial, and then point around the congregation and say ‘ and so is he and so is that one and him too’.. nothing spreads like wild fire amongst a bored au fai pese then the hint of sexual activity. The phrase ‘o le keige sau mai le auala tele’ – ‘the girl who walks on the busy street’ is an old church aunty’s favorite shade.

After years of whispering amongst the woke Poly girls, reading and being on a mini pill that gave me the worst acne, what a total build ups. Tried it more times - there’s nothing worse then undercover fumbling, car sex is not like in the movies - the gear stick gets in the way, sex in bushes is exciting for two minutes before insects and scratches kill that buzz.

Island girls are not only the queens of stealth coming home, we are the ninjas of undercover – with our undercover boyfriends and our literally undercover situations to have sex in.

The first time I had the thing I’d read about so much called an orgasm, I lit up like a lava field and was so excited I could feel like that and share it with another human.Unfortunately he was a total loser - why oh why? And ended up in jail. Put there by me. After one bashing too many. The darkside of pleasure.My poor poor parents, if only we could undo the damage of fiapoko rebellious teenage years.

But the privilege of pleasure is a thing that not many Island girls even get to consider. Listening to all the mainstream talk shows, and reading the coloumns and buzzfeeds – there seems to be legions of wypipo moaning about how hard it is to have an orgasm and for mens to find certain intimate body parts.

But being entitled to enjoying sex isn’t high on the list when you are just trying to be noticed, loved, escaping poverty for a minute, rebelling against the constant lockdowns, wanting to fit in with the rest, trying to get a boy to like you, or just makua fia bad etc etc.

For the sisters, the idea that you’re supposed to enjoy it – love it even, and that it can be the ultimate spiritual connection to another human, is as faraway idea as the size 10 body type or having happy non-hiding giving parents.

I kind of lucked into it - more a happy accident then circumstance or a lovers skill.I started to chase love for the thrill, the adoration, the sexual notches on belt, the swag. So many unworthy, unsafe..unwashed, some intimidated, most just really unsuitable.

I remember just really wanting a good loving partner that my parents would finally be happy about. But not really believing I was worth it. So many years wasted kissing the frogs and the fobs. The best sex I ever had was with a well known Poly musician who threw me against his DJ crates and added extra bass to the mix as he ravaged me in a back room. It was when I finally figured out that there is nothing more hot then finally getting it on with someone that you’ve totally lusted after for ages and ages and that when true love and lust come together, it’s the recipe for heaven sent happiness.

The mechanics in the end don’t matter it’s always the strength of your connection to the person, and it’s true what they say - your brain is the most erogenous zone. Press the right buttons there and you will be lit in all the right ways. Here’s to the sisters who did the hard yards on the fumbles in the dark and somehow managed to find their bliss.

#SexAndTheSugas #ThePrivilegeOfPleasure