Sex & the Sugas - Part 6

Sex & The Suga’s, brought to you by The Coconet, is an after-hours series written exclusively by Pasifika women, talking about all things sex and sexuality. A subject that is usually shied away from in Island culture, five women of various ages, sexual identities and island backgrounds, reveal some of their personal experiences and explore what their sexuality means to them. Stay tuned for a new story each week, after 8pm every Wednesday! 

Part.6

Kels, 26, Samoan 

"Looking back, do I wish my family had spent more time discussing sex and sexuality with me? Yes, to a certain extent I do. It would have been much easier coming to terms with the fact that I was attracted to both men and women, if religion hadn’t suggested that it was a sin. I had to discover this side of myself alone until I found the courage to tell others."

It took me a long time to realize that my sexuality was mine. That I was in control of my feelings, how I acted on them and who I experienced that with. Growing up in a Christian home surrounded by island culture and conservative family members, sex and sexuality was not a conversation I ever had, aside from “don’t have sex until you’re married."

So as a teenager I was uncomfortable discussing my sexuality with my family. It felt like an “off limits” topic, something I could be punished for speaking about, so I never did. In a way this was damaging as it made me less informed and less willing to realize my sexuality.

I am a Samoan woman in my mid twenties, and if I had to catagorize myself I would consider myself sexually fluid. I like what I like, depending more so on someone’s personality, energy and spirit - which are all genderless. I have known this about myself since the age of 12.

I have had sexual experiences with both men and women. High school days were the experimentation days of getting drunk at parties and hooking up lol. But now I know myself better, the process of getting to know someone is more important to me than initial attraction. I learnt about the topic of sex through gossip with friends and movies/media.

I don’t remember having any positive conversations in my early teenage years with my family about sex. I was extremely scared to tell family about my relationships, especially with women because of what they would think. There were times in my late teen years when I would think...I'd rather not be on this Earth than have to face telling my parents I didn't identify as "straight" .... but you come to a point when you realise life is short, and if this is the way I was born, then so be it. When I eventually found the courage to live my life how I wanted to, and tell the loved ones around me, it was a liberating moment. 

I don’t think we necessarily have to talk with our parents or family about sex…but I think having the OPTION is necessary. 

If the only advice to your children regarding sex is, “Don’t have sex until you’re married”, it makes it very difficult to have a healthy relationship with sex, and in my opinion, warps the entire concept of sex itself.

Making a young person feel like a “sinner” because of something so natural is dangerous. However, I think perhaps with this new era of young women, it’s becoming easier to discuss these topics. My advice is to surround yourself with people who love and support the real YOU!!