Sex & the Sugas - Part 7

Sex & The Suga’s, brought to you by The Coconet, is an after-hours series written exclusively by Pasifika women, talking about all things sex and sexuality. A subject that is usually shied away from in Island culture, five women of various ages, sexual identities and island backgrounds, reveal some of their personal experiences and explore what their sexuality means to them. Stay tuned for a new story each week, after 10pm every Wednesday! 

Part.7

Teuila, 32, Samoan 

Why is it often uncomfortable discussing sex and sexuality in our culture?

In my experience for our people, the uncomfortableness exists mostly with conversations between generations.  For example, as a teenager I would happily and very freely talk to my friends about sex but would I talk to mum, dad or other adults? Hell no! I didn’t get the sex talk at home or at school. I went to a Christian high school where the most you got was a puberty talk in form 3 (aka year 9) and an anatomy session if you happened to be in a Science or PE class. I was in neither class. So where did I learn about sex and sexuality? The sealed section of Girlfriend magazine of course and from my more ‘experienced’ friends.

Within Samoan culture, which is the only one I can speak to specifically being of my heritage, I believe historically we have been able to identify sexuality quite well in indirect ways. Especially through dance and performance.  But the main barrier I see to having direct and constructive conversations is the result of the social conditioning religious beliefs has had on our culture and traditions. In my opinion, as a woman, single mother and youth worker discussions about sex and sexuality isn’t about what is right and wrong, but what is safe, respectful, life giving and enjoyable.

How will you approach conversations with your son about sex and sexuality?

My son is 7 now, we started to have the foundations of those conversations when he was 5.  When I knew my son was going to be exposed to hundreds of new people and ideas when he started school, I knew I needed to give him some core values.  One of those is about respect for physical space, touch and bodies. After having a discussion with my son about what respect means, we came up with a mantra, “I respect my body and I respect other people’s bodies”.  I also started using the anatomical terms for body parts. I think it is important to help our children not to create unhealthy myths about the body. Because within that can generate uncertainty and assumptions and if this isn’t tended to, it can create behaviors that are not respectful.  In terms of conversations about sexuality, earlier this year my son saw two males making out and asked me why they were kissing. I told him, because they probably really like or love each other. I then explained, “some boys like girls, some girls like boys, some boys like boys and some girls like girls” and bless my child, after thinking for a moment replied with, “oh, that’s okay aye mummy, coz love is love” (queue proud mummy smile). Love is love.  

What is your experience with your sex life as a single mum?

At 29 years old I became single mum with a 4 year old son.  My sex life over the last 3 years has been. . .adventuress and colourful with many lessons. I started the whole dating thing (which is a strange and funny concept in New Zealand in comparison to other countries I have dated in) a year after and to be honest I discovered that as a woman, to get sex was easy, far too easy. To get a decent second date and make a genuine connection with a man, was not so easy. When I started dating, it was actually the first time I had dated. I had always been in long term 5+ year relationships. So I’ll be honest, I explored my freedom, very freely. And it was great. I experienced some amazing male bodies and learned things about my own body and sensuality. But after a while the casualness of sharing my body intimately was just not enough. I was tired of being someone’s booty call and them being mine. As cheesy as it sounds, I wanted to be cuddled, I wanted to kiss for hours, go for day roadtrips to the coast eat fish and chips, go for a cheeky naked swim and sip on a cold cider with a man.  I found myself craving sensuality with a man. To be quite honest, I had reached an unhealthy point with my freedom that I was using sex as a form of numbing heartache, feeling desired and a false sense of connection and intimacy. It feels good in the moment and the buildups before, but afterwards just feeling like leftovers. Which is especially easy in those lonely times.

So I decided to draw a line in the sand. No more casual sex friendships. I love sex, but right now, I only want that in an authentic and committed relationship. That feels good. It’s like a claiming back of my body.