PRIDE - PASIFIKA STORIES - Amy Kainuku

In celebration of Auckland Pride Month, we're sharing Pasifika Pride stories.

Amy Kainuku

Cook Islands

I first realised I had feelings for females when I was approx 23 years old. One of my best friends (who happened to be a woman) hit on me. I initially said no because I was scared (being gay/homosexual just wasn’t what you did…it was kind of taboo or “forbidden”). Things did eventually progress to a romantic/sexual relationship. I believe our relationship developed and evolved that way because she had been my friend for a number of years, and I felt safe/comfortable with her since we did have that previously established “ friendship trust/bond”. I was terrified to tell anyone that I was romantically/sexually involved with a woman, and it became our little secret for about 2 years. I was still dating men and attending church on a regular basis during this time in my life.

While living in England, I continued to attend church and attempted to push away any feelings/attraction I had towards women. That didn’t last long, despite my best efforts, as I developed feelings towards a local London woman. We started dating and then were in a relationship for around 2 years, both in London and back in NZ. I had to unexpectedly return to NZ, as my mother was terminally ill, and my “partner" came to join me shortly after. My mother did not condone same sex relationships, even though 2 of my brothers were/are gay. Of course she loved them dearly, but mum did not like what 'being gay' meant and it was not in “god's plan".

With the knowledge that mum did not approve, the stigma and stereotypes handed down by society, and maybe a bit of personal insecurity/uncertainty, I avoided telling anyone I was gay (the exception being my gay brother). I continued to live a secret gay life for quite some time.

When I was 30, I met a woman just before joining the police. We began dating while I was at police college. It was only after she and I moved-in together (we ended up living together in a lesbian relationship for about 12.5 years), and my mother had passed away, that I finally told my entire family about my sexual orientation. While it had taken me almost a decade to “come out”, most of my family told me that they had already known I was gay for years.

To be confident in one’s self is the only way to be. For many years I was ashamed/akama about my relationships with women, and by doing that I deprived myself the value of being accepted unconditionally. I denied my inner most being of the beauty of loving all.

My fiancé is from the middle of the mainland USA; however, she currently works and lives on Oahu, Hawai'i, where we will be getting married in October this year. The wedding will be a small affair of family and close friends, with the venue on Oahu. I have family in the South Pacific, and she in the heart of the bible belt in the state of Indiana - so we thought we would have a central location for the celebration. It was late 2014 when we met in Rarotonga, where I still reside. We are fortunate to be able to talk numerous times a day...thank god for the evolution of technology. Since we reside in different countries, we both been travelling back and forth to spend time together since October 2015. We didn’t meet under the most favourable circumstances. I made some choices that seriously affected other people (though I never had any malicious intent), and I am still sorting those out. That being said, I have met my ‘soul mate’. We fit in ways I never have with anyone else, and never before thought possible...and at 45 that’s saying something!

The people who truly love you do so unconditionally and will support you through all times. I surround myself ONLY with people who love me, the real and true me, “warts" and all. Be true to yourself because if you can’t, how can you expect anyone else to respect and support you…and you will restrict everything else in your life from coming into fruition.